So I'm 0 for 2 in the State of Tennessee...

Everyone has the answers. It’s that simple. You have a problem, you tell anyone, and they’ve got the solution for you. As obnoxious as I know it is, I’m the same way. Somehow, I manage to juggle not knowing a damn thing with having every answer in the book – the former regarding my own problems, the latter – everyone else’s.

But what I find most interesting is how if you dig into anyone’s advice deeply enough, and I mean down to the nitty-gritty of how exactly to do what they suggest you do, you end up with exactly what you thought you would – NOTHING. You get handed a whole pile of bull like, "You just know," or "you just do." That’s how you know that no one knows shit – because no one has a real answer to any question you ask them.

For me, my biggest problem is my brain. Yeah, it’s kind of a big problem. As you all know – I think. I think. I think, and then I think some more. And no matter what, about 80% of my thoughts are on matters of the heart. There’s not a damn thing I can do about it. What advice have I received? The following:

Don’t take it so seriously.
Just enjoy life, don’t analyze it.
Think about something else.
Keep yourself distracted/busy.
Get over it. (A classic)
Move on.
You shouldn’t feel that way.
Just relax and have fun.
Stop thinking so much. (My all time favorite)

There is no doubt that this is all great advice. All of it. I fully agree, but find me one person who can actually tell you how to do any of it. How does one stop thinking? Seriously. Now, this advice can actually work for certain moments. I’ve been in situations with G2 when I drifted into a bad place, and he watched it happen from across the room (probably as all the light started to fall into me and disappear like a black hole), and he ran up to me to say, "STOP! Don’t think about it!" And then I could almost physically shake it off, and concentrate on something else for little while. But I’m talking about overall. The overall "not thinking." It’s impossible, and here’s why…

It’s only when you are trying to not think of something do you discover how much time there is in a day to think. You can watch a movie, go dancing, run an errand, or make a phone call. Sure, this stuff may buy some time, but really not that much. You can unintentionally squeeze in about a billion thoughts before, after, and during every task you have in a day. Then there’s the time you’re falling asleep. Reading a book, watching TV? It’s amazing how slippery my mind is that it can drift away from any distraction and fall right back to matters of the heart. And I’m not unique. Not by a long shot.

To be honest, if you asked me six days ago where I would be (mental-health-wise) by this time, I would have told you that I would be completely, 100% over Hustle & Flow (who will no longer be mentioned on this blog after today), that I’d be perfectly happy to be single… again, and that I’d be in great shape – with work, with friends, with family, with my body. Okay, I’m still pissed about Hustle & Flow, and some of you know that. "You know I’m not gonna diss you on the internet…because my mamma taught me better than that." – Destiny’s Child. Fuck you, Beyonce. I’m surviving just fine, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to stay pissed as long as I want. Sorry, tangent. Let’s go back. Friends = AMAZING. Work = pretty great. Body = eh, working on it. Going to work out hard core tonight, so that should help. Single though…Permanently. Well, the jury’s still out. Being without all the bullshit = brilliant. No one to cuddle = kinda sucks.

Anyway, the point, advice doesn’t help. Sometimes getting advice only helps just because it’s nice when it’s clear someone wants you to feel better. And as long as it’s given with that intention and not because that person thinks they know it all, then it feels good. But what’s so much better than advice is just hearing that what you’re going through is hard, and that it’s okay to know it is. It’s nice to hear that what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking – that it’s not weird, and that you’re not a loser for feeling the way you do. Every once in a while, I beat myself up. A thought will cross my mind, and then I’ll hate myself for thinking it. And I won’t tell anyone I thought it because I’ll think they’ll give me a hard time for it. With that on top of already hating yourself, ugh. It’s just rough. So I just try to take the good advice and stop thinking, and stop dwelling, and becoming healthier than I am, but I just wish I knew how.

And it’s so strange, because I sit here feeling in a pretty good mood. I had a decent weekend. I fixed up the dining room, so I’m thrilled about that. I got a lot of stuff unpacked so my house isn’t so inundated with boxes. That kind of shit is really fun. But there’s just this odd, lingering sadness that in no way penetrates every detail or moment of my day, but still…exists, like a current streaming through my thoughts regardless of my conscious acknowledgement of it. It’s not remotely debilitating. It doesn’t keep me from going out on the weekends and having fun. It doesn’t leave me in tears. It’s just there. A perpetual pall.

Now, on an unrelated note. Once upon a time a straight guy told my ex (They met through Myspace and are apparently dating now, if what I heard was true) that he liked the way I wrote, but that I was proof that gay men are crazy. I was only slightly offended by the comment. Point is, I imagine that most straight men don’t talk about relationships as often and as openly as women or gay men do with each other, and most straight men don’t seem that open to discuss the relationships that much with the women with whom they are in the relationship. Therefore, I wouldn’t imagine that most straight men would want to hear me, the king of the crazy gays, go on and on about my feelings on it. I usually talk to my roommate about the interesting things I learn about men based off what men say in my office. But I have heard that there are a couple of straight guys who read this blog, so I’m asking you guys to hit me up with a comment and let me know what you think!