I Gotta Shake It Off...

I'm a mutha fuckin' Super man now, bitch!

Moving on from one relationship to the next will almost always be a messy situation. Shortly after high school, I had a healthy mathematical equation for the breaking up process. I wouldn’t consider dating anyone seriously for at least three months after a break-up. I would spend the next three months going through the appropriate order of motions towards complete mental stability and independence. It wouldn’t always take three months to actually get over the person, but I wanted to leave in time for the fun part of being single before jumping back into the beautiful bullshit that is a monogamous relationship.

Ideally, we’d all only enter relationships with a clean slate and an open perspective. No one has any baggage. No one is willing to settle, but everyone is open for reasonable compromise. Everyone is honest. Everyone has completely learned from all their past mistakes, and everyone is ready for a commitment. Sounds awesome. I’m quite sure this never happens.

So the question I’m asking is – when is it right to begin a new relationship? The questions that all branch out from this one include: When is a bad time to begin a relationship? When is it too soon to start up again? How do you know if you’re ready?

Some people believe that the best way (or the only way) to get over your last love is to start dating someone new. There is a whole lot of gray here. Yes, when you start to get excited about someone new, it occupies your thoughts, your mind, your body, and it definitely reminds you of a couple things:

1. You’ve still got it.
2. There are other fish in the sea.
3. That you absolutely can feel great again because for a while there, you weren’t sure if you were ever going to stop hurting.

It’s the absolute best form of distraction, but more often than not, it is just a temporary fix. Whatever real issues you need to work out either in your life or just in your own head and heart will come crawling back to haunt you and potentially make life worse for yourself and for whatever poor soul you sucked into your miserable web to help you “get over it.”

I won’t say though that the new relationship cannot work. Sure, it may have started subconsciously as just a distraction, but real things can absolutely happen when you were not expecting them. Like the Jets sang about in You’ve Got It All, “Ohhh, don’t let him worry you so. Once I met you I let go.” If you find someone who was way better than the last, it’s possible to move on…if your heart is open to it. There’s always that chance that you do find someone better than the last, but you’re too blind to accept it. That, or you’re too chicken shit to take the risk, and you’d rather bear the burdens of your past than move forward.

Others believe you should never begin your next relationship unless you’re totally over the last one. Easier said than done, but a noble goal, for sure. Actually, they never believe this for themselves, they just believe that’s what other people should do. Right now, I’m in this category. Get over your shit and then call me, dipshit. I don’t feel like babysitting your emotions until your momma comes home. It’s better for everyone involved when you’re “ready.”

So, what does that mean to be ready? Well, for one – you’re not angry anymore. When Carrie started dating Burger on Sex and the City, I found it to be a hairy situation. His ex-girlfriend Laura left a message on his voicemail while Carrie and Burger stood there, and he gave two middle fingers at the machine screaming, “FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU!” When they discussed it later, he said that his ex had cheated on him, it killed him, and he was dead…until Carrie came along. A warm thing to hear, but the flags should go up right there. When a relationship ends because someone did something and you’re angry, then it is considered unresolved. That anger can fade, my friends, and people are willing to forgive. In some cases, a second chance is earned. I’m not advocating cheating, all I’m saying is that in some situations, it’s even grayer than gray. Not all. Some. For example – the classic Ross and Rachel we-were-on-a-break scenario. Still, I think when a flag goes up, the breaks should go on…maybe not to stop, but at least to slow down. This person has got baggage, and it’s still sitting at the front door. He may just pick it up and walk right out.

The goal is to find happiness is singlehood. When you learn how to actually love your life, take care of yourself, and find your bed to be warm and wonderful when you’re the only person in it – the chances of finding a healthy relationship increase. Why? Because you know who you are. When you know who you are and you like that person, then you’ll make better decisions on who you give your spare time to. You know you’re worth the best, so you might actually be okay to make sure you get it rather than taking whatever you can find to avoid being alone. People often stay in relationships because they are afraid of being alone. Right now, I’d rather wait.

I remember one distinct time in my life I was happy to be single. It was for most of my junior year. I was living in Huntsville. I had gotten dumped by a guy who went back to his ex for purely geographical reasons. He went to school with him, I was 2 hours away. He openly admitted (to me, not him), that had I lived closer, he’d be with me instead. Sucks for him. Talk about default. Anyway, I was totally crushed, confused, and annoyed by the break-up, and promptly launched into single mode. I was not interested in any bullshit. None. I wanted to have fun, kiss boys, and keep them as far away from my pants as possible. No sleepovers, no cuddling, no interest. It was liberating. Since then, I’ve been in a series of relationships, and though I never intended them to be back to back, it just sort of happened that way. Did I mean I was afraid to be alone? I feel like I can honestly say no. I don’t regret dating the guys I dated… Ok, not all of them. Life just sort of happened that way. Now, I’ve entered a new chapter in my life, and I’m going back to the old equation. Time to be alone. Wait, let me rephrase that. Time to be on my own.

I was telling all this to a coworker, and she replied, “But what if you meet someone great really soon? Are you just going to not even try because you’re all about being alone?” I said Yes, I’m not going to try. She said that was stupid. Look, I have no idea what will happen. What I can tell you is that for now, my only interest in romance and relationships is confined solely to the idea of taking a holiday to a beautiful resort – to disappear from the entire world and have all kinds of fun in borrowed clothes with poolside drinks. After that? Who knows, who cares? Nashville holds the secrets to my future. So… We shall see…