Let Me Clear My Throat...

Ok screw it. I’m going to start working hard to change my perspective on all of this crap. You know what? Only about three or four people I actually KNOW reads this, so I’m not going to even bother worrying about who’s looking at this. I’m airing shit out because I don’t care, and it’s fun.

I think Kristen from Laguna Beach had a good thing going – no interest in anything, no attraction to the drama of obligation towards any guy, so what was the end result? Many men, lots of fun, and always having the upper hand. Can we really learn something from a high schooler? Apparently so…

I have four guy friends that any man would be lucky to have. A director of operations at a major retail store, an interior designer, a pharmaceutical rep, and another in grad school for speech therapy. They are all between 24 and 29. They are all funny, fun, beautiful, sexy, happy, kind, and generous. They are also super attractive – I mean, more so than the average person. The five of us are single, but wanting to find the right guy. No matter what mood we’re in – be it happy to have no responsibility towards a man, or ready to find the man of our dreams, I’d say that each of us are more than willing to spend our spare time dating around, kissing boys, and going out on the town.

The fact that I know that there are men like these friends of mine that are single at all when they are such ridiculous catches says SOMETHING about this day and age. Seriously, we need to go back in time to the South where there would be appointments for multiple suitors. Wouldn’t that be nice? I could just sit there being lovely in a tight, uncomfortable suit that is intended to be conservative but has my junk pushed out and heaving while one by one, young, available, and successful men would come over for tea, desperate to take me out for a walk by the river bank, competing for my hand in marriage. Then I select one. Nice. Sounds sweet. Sounds damn easy too.

But alas, we are in the day and age where cool, hot guys are regarded as "intimidating," and the boys we kiss are more than likely just that – boys. We are living in a time when we are forced to distract ourselves from everything, keep a good distance, and remain "unavailable" so that when we finally do get a piece, we must look at it as just that – a piece of ass. No need to dwell on much more. God forbid any of us attach meaning to a good hook-up because if and when we do, we get burned. Maybe burned is a strong word. More like…disappointed. How do we avoid it? By not having a single expectation of anyone. This way, we get what we want, but we leave room pleasant surprises. Honestly, how often will that happen though?

So, the question remains: How does one go about changing their perspective? How do you transition from the hunt for a One to dating many men where you have no passionate interest in any, but enough interest to enjoy yourself and want to see them again one day…like in a week or two rather than the following night? How do we become players when we’re truly the commitment type? Is it possible? I can tell you one thing, it’s sure worth a try.

This woman I used to work with read a book that says that single women should have 5 men in constant rotation. I suppose this is much like the character Helen in Kissing Jessica Stein. She calls one when she’s hungry, one when she’s horny, one when she wants to see a movie, and etc. Of course, this situation is empowering, but never as fulfilling as being in love, but I’m not trying to beat out love. I know by now that nothing does. But look, we can’t all be in love all the time, can we? So what do we do to enjoy our lives in our spare time? We discover the joy of power. We rediscover our love for…variety without obligation. I’ve never ever been able to pull this off. Wait…I take that back.

For some reason in high school, I was able to be a kissing bandit without ever getting hurt. Sure, there were times where I was interested in more, but when it didn’t work out, never a single tear. Never a second thought. On to the next. What was so fantastic is how in control I was. I never took the hook-up very far physically because who needs that scare when it means nothing? I was always incredibly honest with my "prey." I told them how far it would go, and gave them the option to leave if they had a problem with it. Man, those were fun times.

For some reason, there were a handful of options that were recyclable. I liked the guys fine, but never liked them, liked them. I loved bumping into them on campus. There was never an awkward moment. I liked hanging out with them at parties. I just…enjoyed it. Truth be told, I was always a bit lonely though. As much fun as I was having, there is a different level of joy when you’re falling in love with someone, and when you know what that feels like and know that it’s lacking, then there is a limit to how happy you can be as a player. Basically, it gets old.

But it shouldn’t be old for me yet as I haven’t even yet begun. Maybe I should try it out before I get exhausted by it.

The problem is that it’s posing a deeper question. Is life just about experiences to learn what it is that we want? And if so, if we’ve already learned what it is that we want, can we enjoy experiences that won’t get us there? Basically, if I’ve done the kissing-bandit thing, and I already know that I’m not excited about dates that don’t really go anywhere, then could I actually be capable of shifting my interest from wanting a One to enjoying the toys? Is making an effort to date casually and kiss randomly a way to open my mind to new perspectives and enjoying a single life, or is it an attempt to change who I already know that I am?

Here is a quote from Sex and the City. (With this show in existence to succinctly and intelligently pose life questions, I wonder why I bother posting here at all.) "According to certain scientists, whenever a woman has sex her body produces a chemical which causes her to emotionally attach. This chemical may also account for a series of terrifying questions that involuntarily pop into our minds after just one casual trist. Questions like, ‘Does he like me?’ ‘Will he call again?’ and the classic, ‘Where is this all going?’ When it comes to men, even when we try to keep it light, how do we wind up in the dark?"

The development of Samantha Jones’s character interests me because she stayed so monotonous, though entertaining, for nearly the entire series. There was no predicting the role Smith Jared would play. This is the episode where Samantha realizes that Smith means more to her than she had thought. Basically, Samantha represented free love, independence, and self-security. She never apologized for who she was, and she adored her life. I don’t doubt that she would live it the exact same way if she could do it all over again. People all over the world watched her character and gained a new comfortable respect for themselves for being their own Samantha Jones in a society that often teaches us that settling down is the only rational route to follow. However, her heart eventually opens to a man she last expected to love, someone who understands her, loves her, and stands by her through everything. In an attempt to remain the woman she had always been, she has sex with her last love, Richard, which she immediately regrets. This is the turning point for her character. Though she was never interested in falling in love and committing to any one man, she discovers a comfort and a beauty in a partner.

Her situation is ideal for the people of the world who secretly fear they will never find anyone special. She enjoyed her life not looking, and when she least expected it and didn’t even necessarily want it, she found him. Even better, he found her. Can a person actually live a life like that if they really do hope to commit?

Look, I don’t know if anyone can "change." I analyze things until I can’t see straight, and my whole life I’ve tried be easy-going, free-spirited, and completely light-hearted. But maybe that’s just not who I am, and maybe that’s okay. I worry about the future. I plan ahead. I love loving, and I’m very good at it. I get upset when someone hurts me, and I get sad when someone rejects me. I think about everything, and I could talk for hours without taking a breath. I over think as a way of life, and even if I weren’t writing to you now, even if I weren’t sitting still in my seat, I’d be over thinking. It doesn’t stop. My mind races so fast sometimes that I can’t even carry a straight conversation on the phone because there are too many directions I need the conversation to go. And you know what? Not many men can’t handle this. It’s fucking adorable at first. They think I’m a peach. Give it time, my friends. After enough of it, they’re ready to shove a sock down my throat and may not even care if it kills me. It’s a sad, sad truth. Of course, none of these were Ones. I’m just going to hope that one of The Ones will be defined by maybe nothing more than still being interested in what I have to say after 400 hours of my talking. Awww…like you guys! Anyway, there’s no way of knowing if the guy you’re dating will one day get sick of you. You just ride it out, stay the same person, and hope to God that they still think it’s cute down the line.

See, I digressed…again.

Let’s roll back now to what I was saying earlier and try to look at this another way. Can’t someone truly enjoy something even if it’s not what you preferred? I love cookies and cream, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy mint chocolate chip.

I discussed this new perspective with my best gay over spring rolls and pad thai few months ago. When I asked him what he thought of the 5-guy-recycle, he replied, "Yeah, but if I’m going to date, I’d rather just be with one great guy." My response, "Well, of course. That’s what I prefer too, but I’m talking about what you do when that great guy isn’t here yet."

Then I asked an old friend over the phone. I talked to her about my kissing buddies that I had in high school. Her theory was this: Once you’ve graduated past that, you can’t go back, and anybody who lives that way now is either total bullshit or they’re just a completely different person. My response to her: "Well, don’t you think it’s worth a try? We don’t have anything else going on."

Her response to me: "Greg, how are we each going to find 5 guys when we’ve been going out and can’t even find one?" Excellent point, AH.

I checked my email when I got to work today, and a friend wrote me that I should just stop thinking about relationships and have fun. It’s a weird thing to say. It’s not like I don’t understand what someone means when they say that, but isn’t that like telling someone to cheer up? Also, who’s saying I’m not having fun. I’m having great fun. I’m just tossing out ideas here.

So, we’ll see how it goes. We’ll see what happens. I’ll write more about this later.