I'm Feeling A Little Nostalgic Today...

I’m in the mood to reminisce a little. Let’s talk about Kelly Clarkson. I saw her in concert about a year or so ago. Here’s how it went down.

First, there were three non-ridiculous outfit changes and no lip-syncing. Can’t say the same for Onyx Hotel, Britney. Well, Kelly did come out in an asymmetrical band jacket at one point only to trump that with a G&R blouse. But she’s Kelly Clarkson. She can do that. How cute is she? Go Kelly, you go.

I was in the sixth row on the floor level. I could throw a drink at Kelly and get her a little wet. I wouldn’t throw any drinks though because those bitches cost $31. For two drinks! I was like, this shit better be some magic potion that makes me fly or something. That price is outrageous. I could have javelin-thrown myself on stage though. That’s how close I was. I was in a semi-celebrity section (Some guy from Idol season 1, a TV news anchor, and Taylor Hicks, he wasn’t famous then… I still hated him though!) so that automatically means good seats. Did I mention yet that these tickets were free? Yes, girl. Free tickets to good seats at Kelly Clarkson. The only way this experience could be any better is if Kelly paid my rent.

She sang all the good songs. Since You Been Gone, Miss Independent, Behind These Hazel Eyes complete with an encore with the wedding dress. She just kept dancing around in it, and by the time that song came on, some people in my row left (Why?) and my friend Alex and I used the extra space to really dance. Oh, we were dancing. Dancing as if a man behind was cracking a whip on our backs if we didn’t. We just couldn’t stop. I made love to the seat in front of me more than a few times. 2 Live Crew style, get arrested Bobby Brown style. Kelly Clarkson just brings it out of me.

Now, let’s talk about the part of the show where some folks from the audience get to come on stage. They had to be plants. Like Kelly’s cousin and the drummer’s auntie or something. They simply were not excited enough. Just not excited enough. Kelly got really close to one guy with the microphone and he just took it and sang all the right words. Who really knows all the right words to say to a Kelly Clarkson song? I get my mumble on to most of the songs, so how is he knowing all the words and, and, and! not having a heart attack? I would have sliced Kelly’s neck open with the bracelet I had on that night, grabbed her eye out of her face. I would have to at least take her aside and be like, “What’s up for tonight?” None of that happened and a ten-year-old boy was dancing up there with a band uniform on. Totally had to be somebody important’s nephew. Nepotism. Why is no one in my family in the Kelly Clarkson’s camp? Why do none of the Howards work for the Oscars or the Grammys? What do we Howards do? I don’t even have an in at the post office.

I broke my neck a few times to see what Taylor Hicks was doing. Staring at semi- celebrities at a concert so much easier to pull off. He was messing with his shirt half the time. But he was dressed reasonably. Like his momma picked his clothes out. His face was all washed. Come to think of it he looked good that night. Almost makes me want to give him a call. Not really, but still. My friend he was dating was out of his mind to let him go to Kelly Clarkson by his lonesome. Out of his damn mind. If I were like a couple inches taller, I’d be right over there with my stank face like take one good look at your past (Holding a picture of his ex) and we’re out. I lie! I would never roll up on Taylor Hicks***. Not in this life and surely not at the Kelly Clarkson concert.

If you have an opportunity to go see Kelly Clarkson, you just have to. You’ll lose your voice. Your butt will hurt from all the dancing, but it’s so worth it. She’s the shit. And wear flip flops. Don’t be trying to be cute in your little shoes because bitch you won’t be sitting down the entire time. You will be on your feet like Gloria Estefan told you to do it. I would so be Kelly’s boyfriend. We could share clothes.

*** NOTE: Some of you may or may not believe some of the stuff I have written about Taylor Hicks, but he did date a friend of mine for awhile. I’m not going to go into the drama that went down, but I can’t stand that little two faced bastard. But, girl, I sure had a crush on him back in the day…***