It's Lovely Weather For A What?!? Oh No, I Think Not...

I know I’m not allowed to say this. Hello hate mail. I know it will seem ludicrous and insane to many, many people, but I just can’t help that I have this observation.
I’ve discovered there are two things you cannot discuss period. You can’t say that you don’t like animals. People assume that you’re in the small twisted camp of people who torture little animals for fun and study. No, I’m not that way. Fucking sue me. And it’s not even that I don’t like animals, I’m just not really in to them that much. But I recently discovered you can’t say you’re not that into Christmas. You will be snubbed and thrown to the wolves.
It’s not the holiday itself that drives me up the wall. Christmas is a beautiful time of togetherness and thanks. A time for nostalgia. Childhood memories. You can ask your parents for Tupperware and Uno and Scrabble – things you want very badly but don’t really want to pay for – and you’ll get them. Christmas is a great time. A time for looking forward to the next year, the next birthday (that’s a joke), the horizon of good fortune that awaits you around the corner. Yes, it’s true, my friends. It’s not the holiday and the meaning of the holiday that blow my mind. I’m down with holiday cheer. Jolly good ho ho ho to you to, neighbor.
It’s the decorations. The excess in decorations. The ever-present decorations. Everywhere the decorations. No lantern, lamp post, doorway or stairway is without decoration. Was it always like this? When did every single awning, door, doorknob, doorstop, window pane, window sill, fingernail become adorned with reindeer and ornaments. You know, the first sign of stress is clutter. Or maybe that’s the third or fourth sign, I don’t know. It’s already a stressful time though. I’ve tried to ignore it. Tried to pass it off as my need to control my environment. I have some control issues. I won’t lie. Who doesn’t? But I’m an observant person. Some things I cannot get over. For example, at the end of every Sex and the City episode except the one where Carrie was dancing in her panties to "To Be Real," that fucking song comes on. I hate that song. Will I get over it? I don’t think so. You see, I am having a hard time with the decorations.
It usually starts right after Halloween. The day after Halloween I go to the store and every year, on November 1, before I even see a cornucopia or a turkey or a candied yam, I see a snowman. Or a snowflake. Or a red velvet bow. It’s subtle at first. But a week later, at that same store, there’s a Christmas explosion. Boom! Kapow! It’s Christmastime, y’all. Take all my money today! Yes! I’ve been waiting for this day! Two life-sized Styrofoam reindeer please. I’ve been trying to spend this $200 all day. I really need these. And the decorations are tacky. Let’s just be honest. I don’t want a snowman talking to me every time I push its belly in. What if I wanted it to say something about Kwanzaa or Ramadan instead? Where’s that snowman? First of all, back it up. This is the south. What is snow?
My credit card company starts losing their minds as they rape and pillage the rain forest for paper goods. At Christmastime, they send tons of those checks. Those fake checks that work like real checks making you think you’ve got money to burn. Those checks are the reason why everyone needs a paper shredder. Can you imagine those checks in wrong hands? Have you ever had your identity or your money stolen? I have, and it’s a fucking bitch to fix especially if you bank with Compass. That’s a whole other story. Die Compass Bank. How can you charge someone a fee for not having a certain amount of money? Can’t you see I don’t have that amount therefore rendering your fee of $5 for NOT having that amount the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard? I mean, you’re already charging me money just to come in and talk to a human. I’m one of those customers that is only allowed to use the ATM. But my stripe is demagnetized, I swear. Are you going to charge me to come in here because of one little broken card? Bullshit. Compass Bank, this is an outrage.
I digress.
The decorations are out of control. Why do I feel so bad saying that? Have I been brainwashed for years and years to only speak highly of all things Christmas? Somebody else feels this way. I’ve seen someone driving around in her car that is decorated. To each his own, yeah yeah, I’ve heard it a million times, but shit, am I not allowed to be annoyed? The wearing of Santa hats blows my mind as well. Can I not say that? Loosen up, Greg. Live a little. Have some fun. I am having fun, but I don’t need to put that hat on to do so. I don’t like that color red at all. It’s dyeable prom shoes red. It’s PAAS red. Gross. It reminds me of rosacea for some reason, and I don’t like it. You be you. Put that hat on all day long and up a dog’s ass. I’m cool just standing sans hat next to this huge wreath made of acorns and silver spray paint. Ouch. Probably shouldn’t touch it. Right.
The commercials are moving decorations in the TV. If I see one more Target holiday commercial again, bad things are about to be afoot. And to think I wanted to get down to a Target to buy those two-for-one throws. You see, that shit works on me somehow. And why do the commercials always come on louder than the show? What is that? Oh the weather outside is frightful – in my head all day long. That is not as bad as having that Suga Suga song stuck in your head though. I’ll sing any Christmas carol over that song. Shoot me right between my eyes next time that song comes on. My hands are all bloody from punching on the concrete.
What about when someone repeatedly asks you if you’d like some egg nog? I honestly truly don’t like the taste of egg nog, nor do I like the words egg nog, so I just say “no thanks” politely and hope they move on. No. They never move on. It’s always, “You don’t want egg nog?” I say no, and thanks but no thanks. Then it’s, “Why don’t you want any egg nog?” If I say, “I hate the taste and the sound of the words actually,” then I’m an asshole that’s ruining the party for everyone. I just lie and say I’ve already had two cups full and ooh wee it was the bomb.
I do, however, like to get to Wal-Mart right before it gets all holiday stressful and busy. Preferably in the morning, when everything is still nicely finger-spaced and stacked. They have so much stuff. Cute packaging and great ideas for all to share. The lotions are busting off the shelves, there’s just so many! The little gloves are only $2! I’ll take 5! Foot scrubs, Pringles, nose hair trimmers – all in one place. And at Wal-Mart my shopping cart is never wobbly or broken like it is at every other place I shop with a cart.
Seriously, can't we just bring it down two notches?
Is it socially unacceptable to say anything bad about Christmas? Did I just guarantee my spot in hell for saying the EXCESS of Christmas decorations is the worst? I feel bad about it, but if so, I’m bringing the incense and the Evian. What are you bringing? It’s a potluck down there, you know. I do not mean to offend. I surely don’t. Maybe I have some deep rooted issues. Who knows? Starting today, I will stop thinking about it forever. Decorations? Who?